6 years later….

Well, it’s been, almost 6 years since I’ve touched this blog. I am honestly surprised I was able to get in. A lot has changed in 6 years. The major reason I just up and stopped was, well, family, children, work, life. A quick recap… Fuck it, I’m okay, I will always be okay. I had another kid, she’s now 2 years old. This isn’t a blog about me though, so now that we’re caught up, let’s get to what I intend to do here.

I’ve always had an obsession with film, (I am also an arrogant, pretentious ass, so I call movies, cinema, film etc. fuck you) since I was a very young child. I started this blog, with the intention of sharing my preferences and my views on cinema. I’d like to say it hasn’t changed much in recent years. I think the biggest glaring change may be, over time, I’ve grown a bit of a disdain for certain genres, and picked up an appreciation for others – otherwise my views stayed pretty much the same.

I still have an unhealthy obsession/love for the horror genre, as well as silver screen films of yesteryear. So what I wanted to do here, is list two movies to start us back to where we were. So without further rambling and incoherent garbage. Don’t forget, for anyone that has read this in the past, I’m kinda literarily handicapped. I did really well in math and sciences and history, my whole life. For some reason, call it dyslexia, I’m fucking retarded when it comes to writing shit down. So I apologize in advance, I do try, atleast. You’ll never catch me using a fucking emoji. You’ll always see correct spelling and my best attempt at proper punctuation and grammar, so at the very least, I am no cunt, who bastardizes the english language. A keyboard warrior type. Okay, IRL FYI LMAO Lets go.

Horror/Silver Screen – Last two entries into my life.

Horror – The Witch (2015, Robert Eggers – Anya Taylor Joy, Ralph Ineson)

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The Witch (2015)

I’ve added a link in the subject title, IMDB is always good for user reviews and parental advisory shit. I’ll continue to do that, lots of people adding shit over there, it’s a very helpful website.

Here is your “official” synopsis of this film – “A family in 1630s New England is torn apart by the forces of witchcraft, black magic and possession.” 

I don’t know how much I agree with that synopsis. This whole film, was a fucking lesson in dealing with tension and stress and just feeling fucking uncomfortable for 2 hours. The one thing I did really like about it, was the dialect, must have been researched to no end. The dialect in this film, from my understanding and from what I’ve been told is absolutely perfect for the time that it’s set. What I don’t like, is, it assumes that it’s audience, as it should, is a bunch of fucking morons (at the end of the film, it lets you know about how accurate the dialect is, in the form of big white text before the credits).

The story follows a family, living in the woods basically, they were from London at some point but were cast out for something I wasn’t really paying attention to (besides the point it makes no difference in the film whatsoever), this isn’t a huge issue as it’s never really touched on again in the movie, the narrative of this film is the tragedy that befalls this family.

The story starts off, very unassuming, a mother, with children, breast feeds her smallest child – Her oldest child tends to her farm – Her oldest child plays peekaboo with the youngest – She opens her eyes and the baby is gone – We see the trees rustle. What happens next, fucked me up a little, I fucking hate seeing children harmed in film, as I’m sure any one of you, that’s not a total fucking psycho would feel. We don’t see anything major on camera, but we do see a “witch” like character, dragging a knife on the child on a stump while the child looks around – The next thing you see, is this “witch” like character pulverizing something into the stump, the camera gets closer and oh, the witch turned the baby into fucking soup and now shes rubbing the babys blood all over her body (spoiler alert?) It’s not a spoiler unless seeing babys get pulverized into soup excites you, so fuck off.

Really, after that, it just turns into a family coping with the loss of their little one. The life and times of people living in the 1600’s dealing with loss. Which is why the most impressive component of the film, is the dialect.

Well, there really isn’t much else to say, like I said, the synopsis is a little off in the sense that, it makes you think you’re getting into a film full of witchcraft and black magic and excitement!! Nope, just a fucked up movie about a familys tragedy and some weird shit in the woods. It was good, Anya Taylor Joy, was fucking unbelievably good in this movie. I really don’t have a lot to say about the movie because it bothered me, but that’s the point, it was so nerve wracking watching this film, I felt gross throughout – so fucking uneasy. Which, you gotta hand it to first time director, Robert Eggers, the man did a hell of a job building tension, that’s all the movie was, an exercise in tension. There was a strong element of paranoia, which I like, I’ve always been a huge fan of Argento and my favorite horror movie is still The Thing. Fuck I ramble to no end. Anyway, if you want to watch a horror movie, maybe not the one for you, I have another one I’ll write about tomorrow that’s for you. Now, if you want to watch a Horrific* drama – this is the one for you, it will leave you with a bad fucking taste in your mouth.

So, Watch this Shit… or don’t I don’t really care.

 

Moving right along, to the silver screen, I try to get as many people interested in 0lder movies as possible. They’re just better, people. They really are. Most people have this whole, well, “I appreciate them” attitude. That’s a fucking stupid attitude from stupid people that never really took the time to watch anything.

Silver Screen The Maltese Falcon (1941 – John Huston – Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor)

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The Maltese Falcon (1941)

Now here’s a fucking movie. I had to have watched this far too many times now. Just recently, though, it has been rereleased and remastered for BLURAY!! Yay, it was fucking awesome. What’s really amazing here, for example, I watched Seven on BluRay I don’t know how many times, and there is so much wrong with the production design, the sets are all fucked and it looks fucking cheeeeeap. I’d say that’s a pretty good example, heavily regarded as a top film, looks like a shit at close inspection. Guess what DOESN’T look like shit on BluRay? The Maltese Falcon – This fucking movie is almost 80 years old, it looks amazing. I have a really strong adoration for old school studio films, especially noir.

So, here’s the official synopsis of the film “A private detective takes on a case that involves him with three eccentric criminals, a gorgeous liar, and their quest for a priceless statuette.” 

So, unlike our previous mention, this synopsis is fucking exactly what the movie is. You could pretty much read that, someone could say, best movie ever, and that’s all the review you would need. Humphrey Bogart, is one of the coolest fucking guys ever, (albeit, he was a fucking midget that wore lifts) the man could do no wrong in hollywood, the master of the studio noir, this fucking guy man. I read a story once about The African Queen (Fucking great movie, watch that shit too) A lot of what you see in the film, being a Hepburn/John Huston collaboration, was filmed in Middlesex in the UK, they had a huge United Artists studio there. Parts of the film, the river scenes mostly, were actually filmed in Uganda and The Congo, it was the fucking late 40’s so, bottled water wasn’t really a thing, malaria shots, weren’t really a thing. The entire cast in their 2 week shoot to uganda, got so fucking sick, they delayed filming for almost 2 months. Can you guess the only cast member, as well as crew member that didn’t get sick? Humphrey Bogart – He didn’t drink any water. This is how bad ass this fucking guy was, 2 weeks, on the fucking equator, and all he drank was bottled whiskey… That would kill most people. So, while everyone was flown back to the UK to tend to their illness, Bogart took a 6 week vacation in the Congo, that’s right, he didn’t fucking leave, from news reports and old articles, he loved the food and the people and he just didn’t drink the water. Huh… They don’t make people like that anymore.

Moving right along, John Huston made some of the greatest movies you will ever watch, he wrote the book on how to film a studio noir and how to write a detective story. Watch this Shit, if you haven’t watched this movie, even if it’s just for a quick lesson on where cinema went and how it got there. If it wasn’t for studio noirs this good, Martin Scorsese would have never made Goodfellas, you would have never watched Mean Streets, there’s a good chance Robert DeNiro would be working at a butcher shop if this movie didn’t happen. Keep that in mind while you’re watching this. My favorite of the studio noirs from the 30’s to 50’s. It follows a reluctant detective named Spade (Bogart) who meets a woman named Miss Wonderly – She comes to his office to ask him to help her find her missing sister – who she assumed ran off with a crook named Thursby. Comically, Spade, nor his partner, Archer (Played by Jerome Cowan, who also kicked ass, made more movies with Bogart, High Sierra etc.)bought her story, they figured fuck it, the amount of money she’s paying they’ll go along with her crazy shit. Later, Archer is murdered and so is Thursby, Spade becomes a reluctant detective at this point, feeling that hes gotten into more than what he bargained for, he was having an affair with his partners wife and assumes the police will put the murder on him due to that.

This is more of a synopsis, anyway, he fucking thinks Miss Wonderly was the one that killed them, turns out she was full of shit the entire time and she has no sister and her entire story revolves around Smuggling a priceless artifact into the country, called, you guessed it, The Maltese Falcon.

Everything about this movie is good, the suspense, the comedy, the drama, the acting, the writing, the dialogue, the set design, the character development – Also, being a noir, some of the most linear narrative and easy to get along with plot description you’ll ever witness. This movie is one for the ages, and it’s been recenltly remasterd on BluRay – Do yourself a massive fucking favor and WATCH THIS SHIT!

Here’s a clip from the BluRay release – One of my favorite actors of all time, Sydney Greenstreet, so menacing, such a commanding presence.

Watch these shits, please, you won’t regret it, well, not this one ^ you might regret watching The Witch.

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