6 years later….

Well, it’s been, almost 6 years since I’ve touched this blog. I am honestly surprised I was able to get in. A lot has changed in 6 years. The major reason I just up and stopped was, well, family, children, work, life. A quick recap… Fuck it, I’m okay, I will always be okay. I had another kid, she’s now 2 years old. This isn’t a blog about me though, so now that we’re caught up, let’s get to what I intend to do here.

I’ve always had an obsession with film, (I am also an arrogant, pretentious ass, so I call movies, cinema, film etc. fuck you) since I was a very young child. I started this blog, with the intention of sharing my preferences and my views on cinema. I’d like to say it hasn’t changed much in recent years. I think the biggest glaring change may be, over time, I’ve grown a bit of a disdain for certain genres, and picked up an appreciation for others – otherwise my views stayed pretty much the same.

I still have an unhealthy obsession/love for the horror genre, as well as silver screen films of yesteryear. So what I wanted to do here, is list two movies to start us back to where we were. So without further rambling and incoherent garbage. Don’t forget, for anyone that has read this in the past, I’m kinda literarily handicapped. I did really well in math and sciences and history, my whole life. For some reason, call it dyslexia, I’m fucking retarded when it comes to writing shit down. So I apologize in advance, I do try, atleast. You’ll never catch me using a fucking emoji. You’ll always see correct spelling and my best attempt at proper punctuation and grammar, so at the very least, I am no cunt, who bastardizes the english language. A keyboard warrior type. Okay, IRL FYI LMAO Lets go.

Horror/Silver Screen – Last two entries into my life.

Horror – The Witch (2015, Robert Eggers – Anya Taylor Joy, Ralph Ineson)

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The Witch (2015)

I’ve added a link in the subject title, IMDB is always good for user reviews and parental advisory shit. I’ll continue to do that, lots of people adding shit over there, it’s a very helpful website.

Here is your “official” synopsis of this film – “A family in 1630s New England is torn apart by the forces of witchcraft, black magic and possession.” 

I don’t know how much I agree with that synopsis. This whole film, was a fucking lesson in dealing with tension and stress and just feeling fucking uncomfortable for 2 hours. The one thing I did really like about it, was the dialect, must have been researched to no end. The dialect in this film, from my understanding and from what I’ve been told is absolutely perfect for the time that it’s set. What I don’t like, is, it assumes that it’s audience, as it should, is a bunch of fucking morons (at the end of the film, it lets you know about how accurate the dialect is, in the form of big white text before the credits).

The story follows a family, living in the woods basically, they were from London at some point but were cast out for something I wasn’t really paying attention to (besides the point it makes no difference in the film whatsoever), this isn’t a huge issue as it’s never really touched on again in the movie, the narrative of this film is the tragedy that befalls this family.

The story starts off, very unassuming, a mother, with children, breast feeds her smallest child – Her oldest child tends to her farm – Her oldest child plays peekaboo with the youngest – She opens her eyes and the baby is gone – We see the trees rustle. What happens next, fucked me up a little, I fucking hate seeing children harmed in film, as I’m sure any one of you, that’s not a total fucking psycho would feel. We don’t see anything major on camera, but we do see a “witch” like character, dragging a knife on the child on a stump while the child looks around – The next thing you see, is this “witch” like character pulverizing something into the stump, the camera gets closer and oh, the witch turned the baby into fucking soup and now shes rubbing the babys blood all over her body (spoiler alert?) It’s not a spoiler unless seeing babys get pulverized into soup excites you, so fuck off.

Really, after that, it just turns into a family coping with the loss of their little one. The life and times of people living in the 1600’s dealing with loss. Which is why the most impressive component of the film, is the dialect.

Well, there really isn’t much else to say, like I said, the synopsis is a little off in the sense that, it makes you think you’re getting into a film full of witchcraft and black magic and excitement!! Nope, just a fucked up movie about a familys tragedy and some weird shit in the woods. It was good, Anya Taylor Joy, was fucking unbelievably good in this movie. I really don’t have a lot to say about the movie because it bothered me, but that’s the point, it was so nerve wracking watching this film, I felt gross throughout – so fucking uneasy. Which, you gotta hand it to first time director, Robert Eggers, the man did a hell of a job building tension, that’s all the movie was, an exercise in tension. There was a strong element of paranoia, which I like, I’ve always been a huge fan of Argento and my favorite horror movie is still The Thing. Fuck I ramble to no end. Anyway, if you want to watch a horror movie, maybe not the one for you, I have another one I’ll write about tomorrow that’s for you. Now, if you want to watch a Horrific* drama – this is the one for you, it will leave you with a bad fucking taste in your mouth.

So, Watch this Shit… or don’t I don’t really care.

 

Moving right along, to the silver screen, I try to get as many people interested in 0lder movies as possible. They’re just better, people. They really are. Most people have this whole, well, “I appreciate them” attitude. That’s a fucking stupid attitude from stupid people that never really took the time to watch anything.

Silver Screen The Maltese Falcon (1941 – John Huston – Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor)

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The Maltese Falcon (1941)

Now here’s a fucking movie. I had to have watched this far too many times now. Just recently, though, it has been rereleased and remastered for BLURAY!! Yay, it was fucking awesome. What’s really amazing here, for example, I watched Seven on BluRay I don’t know how many times, and there is so much wrong with the production design, the sets are all fucked and it looks fucking cheeeeeap. I’d say that’s a pretty good example, heavily regarded as a top film, looks like a shit at close inspection. Guess what DOESN’T look like shit on BluRay? The Maltese Falcon – This fucking movie is almost 80 years old, it looks amazing. I have a really strong adoration for old school studio films, especially noir.

So, here’s the official synopsis of the film “A private detective takes on a case that involves him with three eccentric criminals, a gorgeous liar, and their quest for a priceless statuette.” 

So, unlike our previous mention, this synopsis is fucking exactly what the movie is. You could pretty much read that, someone could say, best movie ever, and that’s all the review you would need. Humphrey Bogart, is one of the coolest fucking guys ever, (albeit, he was a fucking midget that wore lifts) the man could do no wrong in hollywood, the master of the studio noir, this fucking guy man. I read a story once about The African Queen (Fucking great movie, watch that shit too) A lot of what you see in the film, being a Hepburn/John Huston collaboration, was filmed in Middlesex in the UK, they had a huge United Artists studio there. Parts of the film, the river scenes mostly, were actually filmed in Uganda and The Congo, it was the fucking late 40’s so, bottled water wasn’t really a thing, malaria shots, weren’t really a thing. The entire cast in their 2 week shoot to uganda, got so fucking sick, they delayed filming for almost 2 months. Can you guess the only cast member, as well as crew member that didn’t get sick? Humphrey Bogart – He didn’t drink any water. This is how bad ass this fucking guy was, 2 weeks, on the fucking equator, and all he drank was bottled whiskey… That would kill most people. So, while everyone was flown back to the UK to tend to their illness, Bogart took a 6 week vacation in the Congo, that’s right, he didn’t fucking leave, from news reports and old articles, he loved the food and the people and he just didn’t drink the water. Huh… They don’t make people like that anymore.

Moving right along, John Huston made some of the greatest movies you will ever watch, he wrote the book on how to film a studio noir and how to write a detective story. Watch this Shit, if you haven’t watched this movie, even if it’s just for a quick lesson on where cinema went and how it got there. If it wasn’t for studio noirs this good, Martin Scorsese would have never made Goodfellas, you would have never watched Mean Streets, there’s a good chance Robert DeNiro would be working at a butcher shop if this movie didn’t happen. Keep that in mind while you’re watching this. My favorite of the studio noirs from the 30’s to 50’s. It follows a reluctant detective named Spade (Bogart) who meets a woman named Miss Wonderly – She comes to his office to ask him to help her find her missing sister – who she assumed ran off with a crook named Thursby. Comically, Spade, nor his partner, Archer (Played by Jerome Cowan, who also kicked ass, made more movies with Bogart, High Sierra etc.)bought her story, they figured fuck it, the amount of money she’s paying they’ll go along with her crazy shit. Later, Archer is murdered and so is Thursby, Spade becomes a reluctant detective at this point, feeling that hes gotten into more than what he bargained for, he was having an affair with his partners wife and assumes the police will put the murder on him due to that.

This is more of a synopsis, anyway, he fucking thinks Miss Wonderly was the one that killed them, turns out she was full of shit the entire time and she has no sister and her entire story revolves around Smuggling a priceless artifact into the country, called, you guessed it, The Maltese Falcon.

Everything about this movie is good, the suspense, the comedy, the drama, the acting, the writing, the dialogue, the set design, the character development – Also, being a noir, some of the most linear narrative and easy to get along with plot description you’ll ever witness. This movie is one for the ages, and it’s been recenltly remasterd on BluRay – Do yourself a massive fucking favor and WATCH THIS SHIT!

Here’s a clip from the BluRay release – One of my favorite actors of all time, Sydney Greenstreet, so menacing, such a commanding presence.

Watch these shits, please, you won’t regret it, well, not this one ^ you might regret watching The Witch.

YES!! This is fuckin’ awesome!

I fucking hate Roland Emmerich… Director of such amazing piles of shit as Independence Day and Godzilla, 10,000 BC and The Day After Tomorrow…  I really do think hes a bit of a hack… but at the same time… I fuckin love Roland Emmerich… have you seen any of those movies?  They’re fuckin awesome and they’re horrible all wrapped into one little package…. well the exception being 10,000 bc.. that movie sucked… Anyways check out this trailer for Emmerichs new movie 2012… its about the end of the world and it looks fuckin dope.

Luc Besson… You fuck.

Good Day to you, you silly little bitch.  I’ve got a couple of movies you should see.  So take the gimp mask off and remove your dang from your sister…

Luc Besson is usually pretty good.  He attaches his name to some pretty bad fuckin’ movies… like the transporter films to name a few… He even directs some pretty stupid fuckin’ movies… Arthur and the invisibles… but every once in a while he attaches his name to something spectacular.  Either producing or directing.  You’ve got films most recently that hes written and produced such as Taken, which was fuckin’ awesome… cheesy bits forgiven… fucking Liam Neeson fucked france in the ass in Taken… Also Baneuile 13… or DistrictB13 for the non french… Which he wrote and produced… I watched this one drunk… All I can really tell you about it is that you need to watch it cause it was fucking hardcore bad ass… and another amazing release is Tell No One, which hes written and produced… About a guy whos wife dies and ten years later some crazy shit starts happening… you get the picture..

Right go get your hands on any one of those fuckers.. as they’re all fucking spectacular… but thats not what im pedaling here…

First I want you to check this out.  This is one that was written, produced and directed by Besson.  Its called Leon, The Professional and if you haven’t seen it, you’re an idiot and need to go find it.  About a french assassin living in a new york apartment complex next to a family of fuck ups that get blown to pieces….  the little girl from the family survives and forms a bond with Leon, he takes her in and he apprentices her… so to speak… Gary Oldman is exceptionally delightful as the crooked pill popping cop….  Anyways check it the fuck out… one of the all time greatest movies out there… I was talking about that list that I had compiled years ago.  This landed number 4… so watch it.  My taste is impeccable.

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Next watch Angel-A about a guy that owes money all over town…  Decides to jump off a bridge and kill himself… He does but at the exact same time so does a woman named Angel-A they both hit the water and he saves her life… blah blah blah they fall in love…. its a really good movie people… just fucking watch it…  Luc Besson at his best here.

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Ill leave you with a clip from The Professional….

Watch This Shit bitch.

David Fuckin’ Wain…. You silly little bitch.

David Wain is the funniest mother fucker on the planet.  You need to watch his movies.

In chronological order.  Because he’s only made 3…

Wet Hot American Summer.  Probably one of my all time favorite movies ever.  With Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Janeane Garafolo and Chris Mahoney, to name a few….  The movie centers around a summer camp for youth in the late 70’s… but its the most ridiculous fucking thing you’ve ever witnessed… the camp counselors are drug addicts and lay abouts… The head counselor is Janeane Garafolo.. so you could imagine how that works out… and the mess hall cook is a man that wants to have sex with refrigerators….

Just watch this shit and see for yourself…  fuckin comedy gold here….

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2nd we have this little ditty called The Ten which stars a gaggle of actors including narration by Paul Rudd… and acting by… Liev Schrieber, Ken Marino, Adam Brody…

Its about 10 stories that are related in one way or another to breaking the Ten Commandments.  You’ve gotta see it for yourself.  Im sure you can find this one at your local blockbuster..  Watch it or, kill yourself… pick one.

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Last we have Wains biggest success… Im sure most of you have seen it.  If you haven’t you’re an idiot and you should go watch this shit…. Role Models stars Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott as two men that are court ordered into a big brother program…. so on and so on… just fucking watch it…

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Heres a clip from Wet Hot American Summer… Watch it… fucker.

Watch the Watchmen…

Fuck you.  Watch it.  This counts as a post… Just watch the fucking movie.  Judging by its financial UN success I know you didn’t watch it… So fucking watch it you fucking idiot….

Probably the best fucking adaptation of a graphic novel to date… (short of v for vendetta..)(maybe)…. Just take your dank out of your fist stand up out of your greasy ass computer chair and hit the local cheap show and check it out… you wont be disappointed… unless ofcourse you are clinically retarded… then its a possibility…

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Guaranteed you’ve seen the watchmen trailer… so Watch THIS Shit instead… idiot.