Summers End

Conjuring 2
James Wan

No matter how fucking hard I try, not matter how many ideas I have rattling through my little tiny fucking brain – I can’t bring myself to, either, stop working long enough, or get off my lazy fucking ass, to put to paper, this shit rattling through my tiny little brain.

With that said, I’m just going to start rambling off some shit about the summer and how I incorporated my love for genre films and tentpole shit fests – With festival season, rearing it’s ugly head upon us, TIFF is in less than a week, with a slew of, what seems to be awful trite, in comparison to previous years – and SXSW kicking off with some fucking gnarly looking bad ass horror and heavy hitter genre flicks. I feel it’s perfectly fitting to say goodbye and summarize this movie going season……

Horror-Movie-Montage-copy

So, horror had a big fucking run! A great fucking run!! Horror movies OWNED and DOMINATED the box office all fucking year man. R Rated horror movies – It’s like 2016 was the year the studios finally realized the only way out was up? Or would that be down? Either way, The Conjuring 2 was the only serious heavy hitting tent pole blockbuster contender. In the sense that, as far as numbers go it could compete with other Blockbusters – With films like, The Green Room, being made for under $4 million and pulling in, insane profits from VOD and overseas markets – Don’t Breathe just shattering box office expectations and knocking Suicide Squad off top spot at the weekend box office. Lights Out being made for peanuts and profiting almost 50 times its own budget (That’s a fucking huge hit btw, Paranormal Activity 1 couldn’t even do that) The fact that all of these very R rated visceral horror films are also critically praised, as being something that helps propel their own genre forward, for once. (Horror movies have been riddled with cliche after cliche since the dawn of the genre) With all of this, studios are finally starting to realize, the only true horror movies, are the ones made with passion and integrity. We can all think of scary horrible things, shocking things, things that go bump in the night! It takes a true Auteur and someone that truly cares about this genre, to express something truly fucking frightening to it’s audience, that is also, at once, truly unused, devoid of cliche, relevant and topical. Someone is finally financing proper horror, good horror – we DON’T need another played out tired version of Halloween, directed by a has been, because it seemed like a good idea. We don’t fucking need another Jason Vorhees, we don’t need another Freddy – Slasher flicks are dead, Slasher flicks are what almost dismantled and made horror movies completely fucking irrelevant. We’ve seen in recent memory, that you can reinvent the wheel, with the tried and true – Cabin in the Woods stories, Paranormal stories – Psychological thrillers, Tarkovsky style psychological horrors, it can be done. What they’ve tried and tried and tried to no avail, was to reinvent the wheel for Slasher flicks – I will agree, it worked kinda once, with Behind the Mask (Still waiting for a follow up) But that’s like saying adding a comedic element to zombie fare, made zombie movies relevant and awesome again (I for one have been sick of the retreading of the same fucking shit since the original Dawn of the Dead) It just wasn’t the case.

Holy fucking lost my train of thought, if I even fucking had one. Look what I’m trying to say is, I’m proud of these new directors I’m happy with the old directors – In this specific genre – 2016 has done more for Horror movies and Horror in general than any other year in recent history. I’m super happy, I hope to see more and more and more. Even television – Stranger Things has put an entirely new spin on Science Fiction Horror – Ash VS The Evil Dead is returning this  October for it’s 2nd season, which if, is even half as good as the first, will be a treat for total Ash addicts like myself.

Well, since I have to get back to work and managed to say a whole fucking lot without actually saying anything at all – I will leave you with the Stranger Things Season 2 Teaser.

I promise, to the 2 fucking people that are lucky enough to read this bullshit every 2 months – I will write something regarding Summer tent pole – Blockbusters in my next outing – to end off the 2016 summer – It will be hard, because the blockbusters this year, save for maybe Jason Bourne, were just fucking garbage. Oh yah, watch these shits – open your fucking mind man.

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Sequels – Threequels, Good and Bad

Sequels – Threequels, Good and Bad
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Attack!

I suppose, although, albeit, I don’t have a lot to say about any of this. I am going to write some stuff about some movies I watched recently. I am going to most likely, tell you whether or not you should watch them.

So, as for sequels, well, I only watched one sequel recently. Let me tell you, this was up there with some of the best sequels around, especially in it’s genre. in 2008 (I fucking hate buzz words) a GENRE BENDING film was released. It was a horror, monster movie, found footage – That was directed by a guy that, had really only ever written a bunch of stupid movies. He did some TV, he wrote some Felicity, he wrote my dad’s favorite shit movie, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory – Hah I hope he reads this. His only real directing credit was for The Pallbearer – which, was released in the summer of 1996. Now I believe at the time, the hottest actors were, the cast of Friends. I mean, they were the highest paid actors in Hollywood, even higher paid than not just most, but ALL movie stars. In 1996 they were all making around 1 million an episode. So with that kind of paycheck, the studios that controlled and owned Friends on NBC – Which, I believe would have been Dimension films in the 90’s – also owned Miramax, you’ll notice with a lot of movies that were made in the 90’s, with the cast of Friends, they were produced by Miramax studios. (currently debunked, see my previous post for a certain fat fucking shit director that was pretty much fucking toast the day Miramax closed it’s doors) So, sometimes they worked and sometimes they didn’t. Shit movies were written for the cast of Friends, all produced by the heaviest hitting Jews in Hollywood, Bob and Harvey Weinstein (Owners of Dimension and Miramax) I could generate a list of the crap that they made but that’s not why we’re here. Anyways!! The Pallbearer starred, David Schwimmer, as a man that is asked to be the pallbearer, at the funeral of a school friend he doesn’t remember – Hilarity ensues. The movie fucking sucked. Let’s get back to the aforementioned director. The man eventually, seems to have learned how to make a movie after this ….. GENRE BENDING attempt. Drew Goddard was the writer (Cabin in the Woods, Joss Whedons gay lover) Goddard knows how to write a horror flick that goes against the grain, doesn’t use typical conventions and runs from cliches – or like Cabin in the Woods (Scream did it better) juxtapozes itself against it’s own cliches (does that make sense?) Anyway, the director we’re speaking of here is Matt Reeves, a complete and total unknown, and I don’t give a fuck who you are, Cloverfield kicked ass (that’s the movie we’re talking about) it was a great monster movie, trying not to show too much, not riddled with cliches in that specific genre (unfortunately now, everyone tries to replicate how well the found footage was done in Cloverfield)

I’m getting seriously side tracked here, the man went on to do Let Me In (Arguably one of the better remakes of the 21st century)(A remake of Let the Right One In)(Can you do that? I’ve said it before, my writing skills are about as good as a 6 year old with down syndrome, can you have brackets after brackets for other thoughts?) Matt Reeves is all about the Planet of the Apes remakes now, which are decent, he seems to be doing a good job.

Haha, read that shit!! Fuck I get going and I start rambling. SO!! I fucking watched, and you can too, trust me it’s fucking worth, it is now On Demand! and easily accessible, if you’re a useless cunt that doesn’t have a job, feel free to download it.

 

Horror – Drama 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016 – Dan Trachtenberg – John Goodman, Mary Elizabeth Winstead)

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10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

Now, I’ll start by giving a quick synopsis –

“After getting in a car accident, a woman is held in a shelter with two men, who claim the outside world is affected by a widespread chemical attack.”

Not the greatest synopsis – I mean, from the beginning of the film, this is what we’re lead to believe. John Goodman is absolutely fucking brilliant in this. If you didn’t know, Walter Sobchak is probably my favorite onscreen character of all time. I could see a little bit of that character here. He was intense, he was frightening, he was sad, he conveyed a ridiculous range of emotion here – by the 3rd act you felt like you really didn’t know the character at all – the development of the character was top shelf, one of the best actors of our time, can handle his shit – what I mean by not knowing the character at all, is his unpredictability, which really shines in the 3rd act of the film.

This is, what seems to be, an “unoffical” sequel to Cloverfield – Most people would believe this to be true. What you get is a group of 3 people in a fallout shelter – owned and operated by none other than John Goodmans character “Howard” who seems to be coping with the loss of his family, due to his obsessions, doomsday and safety and so forth. So, a girl gets in a car accident after leaving her boyfriend (kinda spoilers, but the ending is too good here for me to spoil so you’re okay) She wakes up on a mattress, with a broken leg, in a dark damp concrete room – From there John Goodman continues to come into the room to bring her food and tend to her – all the while trying to convince her that there has been a chemical attack on the US and everything is dead outside and she can’t leave due to the air. After her leg heals, Goodman lets her finally leave her room to explore the rest of the bunker – here she meets Emmet, played by John Gallagher (fucking fantastic, great character, such a nice guy, he played this role perfectly, fuck for that matter, for a film with only 3 people, they were all amazing)(Oh yeah, the girl, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, people of a certain age, like my age and younger, would remember her as Ramona Flowers)

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Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

Not gonna lie, I liked Scott Pilgrim and I may have found her fucking sexy. All that aside, she kicked ass! in this movie. As the central character, she portrays absolute hopelessness and dread, really well. Moving along, after she meets Emmet and some key scenes where Michelle (Ramona Flowers) tries to either escape or plot to do so and is shown some things on the other side of the bunker that keep her there – They attempt to live a really awkward paranoid family life together inside of this bunker – the characters playing off of each other in some interesting scenes – One that stood out for me was (What’s that game? it’s like pictionary but theres no pictures, just guess the word?) a scene with board games, where John Goodmans character shows, I guess you could say the kind of pyschopath he really is. The one thing that was really cool about Goodmans character is, you can see the amount of intense stress it puts on him, to keep himself grounded and decent. He’s an inch from flipping the fuck out and killing everyone, but he wants to make his little bunker family work for better or worse – It’s a fucking strange dynamic but it worked so well for this movie.

 

So look, just Watch THIS SHIT! It is now up there with one of my favorites of 2016 – I love movies that can actually make the audience feel uncomfortable and begging for more, it was amped up in the paranoia department and was fucking shocking and gruesome, slightly and only at the best of times. The ending of this movie, was fucking crazy, and it takes until that ending to realize that this actually is, an OFFICAL sequel to Cloverfield. I love movies that destory conventions, this is how people should be making sequels and continuing stories FRESH IDEAS – I’m sure every fucking sniveling cunt in Hollywood was having a hayday crying and bitching over this one – Cloverfield made a lot of money – the budget for it’s sequel was less than half the budget for the first film, that never fucking happens, it’s usually the other way around – Kudos to the directors, the actors, the writers and producers – everyone that came together to make a really special movie and one of the best sequels of all time. Fucking check it out, right fucking now.

PS! I have 2 more, they’re threequels, and they fucking kinda sucked. But I liked this movie so much I rambled on so fucking long that it would be better to make a 2 part post. Plus I am supposed to be working – I don’t know how I just wrote this and accomplished what I’ve accomplished today. I’m probably the best at everything in the world is how….

Lunchbox Makes Shit Movies

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Yoga Hosers (2016)

Kevin Smith is, for lack of a better word, a cunt.

A once thriving independent filmmaker, with some of the most interesting screenplays and rich characters, has now devolved into a fat self loathing piece of shit.

I can go on for days and days about just how much this man shit on his own career. It seems what he’s doing now, is making him happy, so who am I to say anything? Well, fuck him. The man hasn’t had a good review for a film since, Dogma, really. Let’s take a serious look at this. A lot of people drool with obsession over this guy. I can’t stand the guy, well, I can and I can’t. He did make Clerks and Mallrats and Dogma. I just don’t like what he’s seriously praised for and I really don’t like what he’s not praised for.

Chasing Amy, worst fucking movie ever. Listening to Joey Lauren Adams, cry scream about getting fucked by 10 guys, is not my idea of good dialogue or reasonable conflict, maybe she ruined it for me, maybe it was just fucking awful. Jason Lee, was usually there to step in and turn shit into gold. So there was that, but not enough of that.

Ah whatever, the man made Cop Out and very publicly came out and proclaimed his soul was destroyed and his essence of filmmaking had been forever ruined. Yah, blame this shit I’m about to show you, on the critics, you fucking fat idiot. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, kicked a lot of ass, Jason Mewes is a gem. I’ve recently heard they’re back on track for another instalment into their strange world. I am okay with that. So, for what he could potentially have coming up, Mallrats 2, Clerks 3, I have my hopes up for. Everything else this guy has touched in 15 years has been so fucking bad its embarassing. Most of his films look like they were a series of short films poorly edited together, made and distributed for 50 bucks by a film school drop out. Yep, dont believe me? Check out this trailer, as a Canadian, I’d have to say, this is actually slightly offensive. Fuck you Kevin Smith.

This cocksucker seems to think he has some kind of “In” with Canada, this is offensive and he is making a mockery of a country, he claims to love. Asshole. Fuck you Kevin Smith you giant douche bag.

6 years later….

Well, it’s been, almost 6 years since I’ve touched this blog. I am honestly surprised I was able to get in. A lot has changed in 6 years. The major reason I just up and stopped was, well, family, children, work, life. A quick recap… Fuck it, I’m okay, I will always be okay. I had another kid, she’s now 2 years old. This isn’t a blog about me though, so now that we’re caught up, let’s get to what I intend to do here.

I’ve always had an obsession with film, (I am also an arrogant, pretentious ass, so I call movies, cinema, film etc. fuck you) since I was a very young child. I started this blog, with the intention of sharing my preferences and my views on cinema. I’d like to say it hasn’t changed much in recent years. I think the biggest glaring change may be, over time, I’ve grown a bit of a disdain for certain genres, and picked up an appreciation for others – otherwise my views stayed pretty much the same.

I still have an unhealthy obsession/love for the horror genre, as well as silver screen films of yesteryear. So what I wanted to do here, is list two movies to start us back to where we were. So without further rambling and incoherent garbage. Don’t forget, for anyone that has read this in the past, I’m kinda literarily handicapped. I did really well in math and sciences and history, my whole life. For some reason, call it dyslexia, I’m fucking retarded when it comes to writing shit down. So I apologize in advance, I do try, atleast. You’ll never catch me using a fucking emoji. You’ll always see correct spelling and my best attempt at proper punctuation and grammar, so at the very least, I am no cunt, who bastardizes the english language. A keyboard warrior type. Okay, IRL FYI LMAO Lets go.

Horror/Silver Screen – Last two entries into my life.

Horror – The Witch (2015, Robert Eggers – Anya Taylor Joy, Ralph Ineson)

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The Witch (2015)

I’ve added a link in the subject title, IMDB is always good for user reviews and parental advisory shit. I’ll continue to do that, lots of people adding shit over there, it’s a very helpful website.

Here is your “official” synopsis of this film – “A family in 1630s New England is torn apart by the forces of witchcraft, black magic and possession.” 

I don’t know how much I agree with that synopsis. This whole film, was a fucking lesson in dealing with tension and stress and just feeling fucking uncomfortable for 2 hours. The one thing I did really like about it, was the dialect, must have been researched to no end. The dialect in this film, from my understanding and from what I’ve been told is absolutely perfect for the time that it’s set. What I don’t like, is, it assumes that it’s audience, as it should, is a bunch of fucking morons (at the end of the film, it lets you know about how accurate the dialect is, in the form of big white text before the credits).

The story follows a family, living in the woods basically, they were from London at some point but were cast out for something I wasn’t really paying attention to (besides the point it makes no difference in the film whatsoever), this isn’t a huge issue as it’s never really touched on again in the movie, the narrative of this film is the tragedy that befalls this family.

The story starts off, very unassuming, a mother, with children, breast feeds her smallest child – Her oldest child tends to her farm – Her oldest child plays peekaboo with the youngest – She opens her eyes and the baby is gone – We see the trees rustle. What happens next, fucked me up a little, I fucking hate seeing children harmed in film, as I’m sure any one of you, that’s not a total fucking psycho would feel. We don’t see anything major on camera, but we do see a “witch” like character, dragging a knife on the child on a stump while the child looks around – The next thing you see, is this “witch” like character pulverizing something into the stump, the camera gets closer and oh, the witch turned the baby into fucking soup and now shes rubbing the babys blood all over her body (spoiler alert?) It’s not a spoiler unless seeing babys get pulverized into soup excites you, so fuck off.

Really, after that, it just turns into a family coping with the loss of their little one. The life and times of people living in the 1600’s dealing with loss. Which is why the most impressive component of the film, is the dialect.

Well, there really isn’t much else to say, like I said, the synopsis is a little off in the sense that, it makes you think you’re getting into a film full of witchcraft and black magic and excitement!! Nope, just a fucked up movie about a familys tragedy and some weird shit in the woods. It was good, Anya Taylor Joy, was fucking unbelievably good in this movie. I really don’t have a lot to say about the movie because it bothered me, but that’s the point, it was so nerve wracking watching this film, I felt gross throughout – so fucking uneasy. Which, you gotta hand it to first time director, Robert Eggers, the man did a hell of a job building tension, that’s all the movie was, an exercise in tension. There was a strong element of paranoia, which I like, I’ve always been a huge fan of Argento and my favorite horror movie is still The Thing. Fuck I ramble to no end. Anyway, if you want to watch a horror movie, maybe not the one for you, I have another one I’ll write about tomorrow that’s for you. Now, if you want to watch a Horrific* drama – this is the one for you, it will leave you with a bad fucking taste in your mouth.

So, Watch this Shit… or don’t I don’t really care.

 

Moving right along, to the silver screen, I try to get as many people interested in 0lder movies as possible. They’re just better, people. They really are. Most people have this whole, well, “I appreciate them” attitude. That’s a fucking stupid attitude from stupid people that never really took the time to watch anything.

Silver Screen The Maltese Falcon (1941 – John Huston – Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor)

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The Maltese Falcon (1941)

Now here’s a fucking movie. I had to have watched this far too many times now. Just recently, though, it has been rereleased and remastered for BLURAY!! Yay, it was fucking awesome. What’s really amazing here, for example, I watched Seven on BluRay I don’t know how many times, and there is so much wrong with the production design, the sets are all fucked and it looks fucking cheeeeeap. I’d say that’s a pretty good example, heavily regarded as a top film, looks like a shit at close inspection. Guess what DOESN’T look like shit on BluRay? The Maltese Falcon – This fucking movie is almost 80 years old, it looks amazing. I have a really strong adoration for old school studio films, especially noir.

So, here’s the official synopsis of the film “A private detective takes on a case that involves him with three eccentric criminals, a gorgeous liar, and their quest for a priceless statuette.” 

So, unlike our previous mention, this synopsis is fucking exactly what the movie is. You could pretty much read that, someone could say, best movie ever, and that’s all the review you would need. Humphrey Bogart, is one of the coolest fucking guys ever, (albeit, he was a fucking midget that wore lifts) the man could do no wrong in hollywood, the master of the studio noir, this fucking guy man. I read a story once about The African Queen (Fucking great movie, watch that shit too) A lot of what you see in the film, being a Hepburn/John Huston collaboration, was filmed in Middlesex in the UK, they had a huge United Artists studio there. Parts of the film, the river scenes mostly, were actually filmed in Uganda and The Congo, it was the fucking late 40’s so, bottled water wasn’t really a thing, malaria shots, weren’t really a thing. The entire cast in their 2 week shoot to uganda, got so fucking sick, they delayed filming for almost 2 months. Can you guess the only cast member, as well as crew member that didn’t get sick? Humphrey Bogart – He didn’t drink any water. This is how bad ass this fucking guy was, 2 weeks, on the fucking equator, and all he drank was bottled whiskey… That would kill most people. So, while everyone was flown back to the UK to tend to their illness, Bogart took a 6 week vacation in the Congo, that’s right, he didn’t fucking leave, from news reports and old articles, he loved the food and the people and he just didn’t drink the water. Huh… They don’t make people like that anymore.

Moving right along, John Huston made some of the greatest movies you will ever watch, he wrote the book on how to film a studio noir and how to write a detective story. Watch this Shit, if you haven’t watched this movie, even if it’s just for a quick lesson on where cinema went and how it got there. If it wasn’t for studio noirs this good, Martin Scorsese would have never made Goodfellas, you would have never watched Mean Streets, there’s a good chance Robert DeNiro would be working at a butcher shop if this movie didn’t happen. Keep that in mind while you’re watching this. My favorite of the studio noirs from the 30’s to 50’s. It follows a reluctant detective named Spade (Bogart) who meets a woman named Miss Wonderly – She comes to his office to ask him to help her find her missing sister – who she assumed ran off with a crook named Thursby. Comically, Spade, nor his partner, Archer (Played by Jerome Cowan, who also kicked ass, made more movies with Bogart, High Sierra etc.)bought her story, they figured fuck it, the amount of money she’s paying they’ll go along with her crazy shit. Later, Archer is murdered and so is Thursby, Spade becomes a reluctant detective at this point, feeling that hes gotten into more than what he bargained for, he was having an affair with his partners wife and assumes the police will put the murder on him due to that.

This is more of a synopsis, anyway, he fucking thinks Miss Wonderly was the one that killed them, turns out she was full of shit the entire time and she has no sister and her entire story revolves around Smuggling a priceless artifact into the country, called, you guessed it, The Maltese Falcon.

Everything about this movie is good, the suspense, the comedy, the drama, the acting, the writing, the dialogue, the set design, the character development – Also, being a noir, some of the most linear narrative and easy to get along with plot description you’ll ever witness. This movie is one for the ages, and it’s been recenltly remasterd on BluRay – Do yourself a massive fucking favor and WATCH THIS SHIT!

Here’s a clip from the BluRay release – One of my favorite actors of all time, Sydney Greenstreet, so menacing, such a commanding presence.

Watch these shits, please, you won’t regret it, well, not this one ^ you might regret watching The Witch.

Remember, Remember the 11th of November.

Well since it is November 11th and we’re all to remember those amazing men (and women, more recently) that lost their lives so that we can blog and facebook and have these retarded freedoms we take for granted every day. The best I can do for them other than give them my infinite gratitude, is pop in a movie to help me remember what they did for us.

As far as im concerned no movie has hit home (Canada) as hard as Paul Gross’ recent Passchendaele.

A film about the battle of Passchendaele, and basically exactly what we canadians are remembering today.

So if it’s in your heart to be reminded of what these men did. Pick up Passchendaele and pop it in to the old blu ray. This film was actually quite good and really quite violent. A very influenced and accurate portrayal of the events before and after vimy ridge and the subsequent events leading up to the battle of Passchendaele.

Don’t ever forget. Ask yourself today, what the fuck have I ever done for my country or my country men?

I can tell you that If you’re the same age as me the answer to that will always be NOTHING.

So before you take every liberty you have for granted today. Remember why you have those liberties.

Much respect.

Numero Tres.

I will recommend a classic now.

Im sure most, if not all of you, have never actually sat through an Alfred Hitchcock film.

Everyone knows. Everyone Hears. But have you ever actually taken the time to find out why Hitchcock is considered one of the greatest directors of all time?

Jimmy Stewarts collaboration with Hitchcock in the 50s and early 60s was amazing. The kind of Director/Actor pair up the likes of Scorsese and DeNiro .

What those two men did together for film is entirely unforgettable. Rear Window and Vertigo have to be 2 of my very favorite films of all time. So with that said.. I can almost guarantee you that you’ve never seen Vertigo. Rear Window maybe, more publicized, a story made famous by constant pop culture references and remakes.

Vertigo on the other hand is an acquire taste. But once you acquire the taste it goes down as smooth as any 12 year old scotch.

Check it out, they’ve just recently rereleased an anniversary edition blu ray and let me tell you. I had the privilege to sit down and watch this remastered version of hitchcocks finest film. It was nothing short of amazing.. the sound the picture the photography the acting.. Fuckin jimmy stewart..

Please if you love movies like I do, do yourself a favor and go grab a copy of this and watch it as soon as humanly possible. You will NOT be disappointed. This is one of the best.